I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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