My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
