I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
