There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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