If i could tip my vagina, i would.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
