Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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