I bet he comes in French.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
