I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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