I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
