I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
