i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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