This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
