Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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