your thong is hanging out like whoa
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
