dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
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true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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