Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I skipped work to stalk him.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
