can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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