dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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