Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
