I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
