This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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