Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Found your dick twin last night
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
