I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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