I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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