Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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