I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
