I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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