'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
