She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
