Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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