Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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