Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
