Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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