I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
