my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
