If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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