Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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