Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
