Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
