goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
