His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
