I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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