im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
