So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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