my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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