Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
