one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
