Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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