I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
