I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
