i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
