im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
