I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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