wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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