My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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