Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
