I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
