It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
