I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
