Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
