Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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